Is it possible for one to walk through life unaware of her true feelings?
You would think that a feeling as strong as the one I discovered 2 days ago would be luminously obvious to me. I can’t say I was completely and utterly clueless. I had an inkling. But that inkling clearly wasn’t condensed enough to induce the verbal vomit “help me, I’m suicidal”.
As soon as it became clear how desperate I was to stop living, my sight was returned to me and I saw as clear as crystal just how long I’ve felt this way. I’d not only fooled everyone else that I was pleased to be alive but I had fooled myself too - and all without realising that that was what I was doing. My subconscious had snipped itself free from me and was working independently in a quest to fool its twin and the world. It’s failed. But in discovering this, there is no reward. No, recognition has not granted for me a life which I feel I can survive.
In receiving my sight, an image appeared ahead of me. My life was a running track. On it was I, running as fast as I could towards a small globe of wellness which was suspended from a fishing rod. It occurred to me that this globe wasn’t getting bigger as I expected it to. In fact it was getting smaller and smaller as it discreetly began to disappear into the fine mist which haunted the horizon. Either the globe was gaining speed or I was losing pace. This aside, the point was that I could see my peace of mind running away without me and this scares the shit out of me. My hopes of getting better are out of reach as the distance between me and wellness are growing and that between me and death is ever decreasing until one day soon it will devour me in one huge gulp.
So the question is, how I can I use the remaining 10% of my ‘will to live’ to my advantage? The advantage being, in this case, to remain alive.
My running shoes have holes in - how do I mend them?
I’m tired - how do I replenish my energy?
I’m thirsty - how do I re-hydrate?
I’m lonely - how do I invite company?
The globe is outrunning me - how do I trip up the keeper of the fishing rod?
Is it too late to fulfil these needs? What happens if these needs aren’t met? Do I give in and leave behind the things in my life which I didn’t realise I could retrieve?
What do I say to the maker of me when I’m dead?
You would think that a feeling as strong as the one I discovered 2 days ago would be luminously obvious to me. I can’t say I was completely and utterly clueless. I had an inkling. But that inkling clearly wasn’t condensed enough to induce the verbal vomit “help me, I’m suicidal”.
As soon as it became clear how desperate I was to stop living, my sight was returned to me and I saw as clear as crystal just how long I’ve felt this way. I’d not only fooled everyone else that I was pleased to be alive but I had fooled myself too - and all without realising that that was what I was doing. My subconscious had snipped itself free from me and was working independently in a quest to fool its twin and the world. It’s failed. But in discovering this, there is no reward. No, recognition has not granted for me a life which I feel I can survive.
In receiving my sight, an image appeared ahead of me. My life was a running track. On it was I, running as fast as I could towards a small globe of wellness which was suspended from a fishing rod. It occurred to me that this globe wasn’t getting bigger as I expected it to. In fact it was getting smaller and smaller as it discreetly began to disappear into the fine mist which haunted the horizon. Either the globe was gaining speed or I was losing pace. This aside, the point was that I could see my peace of mind running away without me and this scares the shit out of me. My hopes of getting better are out of reach as the distance between me and wellness are growing and that between me and death is ever decreasing until one day soon it will devour me in one huge gulp.
So the question is, how I can I use the remaining 10% of my ‘will to live’ to my advantage? The advantage being, in this case, to remain alive.
My running shoes have holes in - how do I mend them?
I’m tired - how do I replenish my energy?
I’m thirsty - how do I re-hydrate?
I’m lonely - how do I invite company?
The globe is outrunning me - how do I trip up the keeper of the fishing rod?
Is it too late to fulfil these needs? What happens if these needs aren’t met? Do I give in and leave behind the things in my life which I didn’t realise I could retrieve?
What do I say to the maker of me when I’m dead?
“I’ve salvaged the wrapper of my life from the garbage and am returning it to you, the manufacturer…..I am not satisfied. Can I have my money back please?"Will He be angry? I hope not.
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6 comments:
Nat I can run faster than you I'll help you catch the globe.
Thanks Paulio. That's really lovely. Put your running shoes on then.
this so beautifully written... thank you for sharing this with us.
My advice?
Stop running. Take a look around you. The Maker will take you to the place you want to be as he can see you're struggling unaided. He is there to help you cos you can't do it all alone. Give him a sign that you're running on empty. I promise you won't be disappointed. xxxxxxx
wow impressed nat, some profound words. i think you should write stories. write about anything. i think it would be interesting to read
wow profounds comments nat, i think ive said this before, life is a journey full of smooth and bumpy rides. just keep hanging in and after a while it dont seem too bad,and then you begin to appreciate the good things in life
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