Is it possible for one to walk through life unaware of her true feelings?
You would think that a feeling as strong as the one I discovered 2 days ago would be luminously obvious to me. I can’t say I was completely and utterly clueless. I had an inkling. But that inkling clearly wasn’t condensed enough to induce the verbal vomit “help me, I’m suicidal”.
As soon as it became clear how desperate I was to stop living, my sight was returned to me and I saw as clear as crystal just how long I’ve felt this way. I’d not only fooled everyone else that I was pleased to be alive but I had fooled myself too - and all without realising that that was what I was doing. My subconscious had snipped itself free from me and was working independently in a quest to fool its twin and the world. It’s failed. But in discovering this, there is no reward. No, recognition has not granted for me a life which I feel I can survive.
In receiving my sight, an image appeared ahead of me. My life was a running track. On it was I, running as fast as I could towards a small globe of wellness which was suspended from a fishing rod. It occurred to me that this globe wasn’t getting bigger as I expected it to. In fact it was getting smaller and smaller as it discreetly began to disappear into the fine mist which haunted the horizon. Either the globe was gaining speed or I was losing pace. This aside, the point was that I could see my peace of mind running away without me and this scares the shit out of me. My hopes of getting better are out of reach as the distance between me and wellness are growing and that between me and death is ever decreasing until one day soon it will devour me in one huge gulp.
So the question is, how I can I use the remaining 10% of my ‘will to live’ to my advantage? The advantage being, in this case, to remain alive.
My running shoes have holes in - how do I mend them?
I’m tired - how do I replenish my energy?
I’m thirsty - how do I re-hydrate?
I’m lonely - how do I invite company?
The globe is outrunning me - how do I trip up the keeper of the fishing rod?
Is it too late to fulfil these needs? What happens if these needs aren’t met? Do I give in and leave behind the things in my life which I didn’t realise I could retrieve?
What do I say to the maker of me when I’m dead?
You would think that a feeling as strong as the one I discovered 2 days ago would be luminously obvious to me. I can’t say I was completely and utterly clueless. I had an inkling. But that inkling clearly wasn’t condensed enough to induce the verbal vomit “help me, I’m suicidal”.
As soon as it became clear how desperate I was to stop living, my sight was returned to me and I saw as clear as crystal just how long I’ve felt this way. I’d not only fooled everyone else that I was pleased to be alive but I had fooled myself too - and all without realising that that was what I was doing. My subconscious had snipped itself free from me and was working independently in a quest to fool its twin and the world. It’s failed. But in discovering this, there is no reward. No, recognition has not granted for me a life which I feel I can survive.
In receiving my sight, an image appeared ahead of me. My life was a running track. On it was I, running as fast as I could towards a small globe of wellness which was suspended from a fishing rod. It occurred to me that this globe wasn’t getting bigger as I expected it to. In fact it was getting smaller and smaller as it discreetly began to disappear into the fine mist which haunted the horizon. Either the globe was gaining speed or I was losing pace. This aside, the point was that I could see my peace of mind running away without me and this scares the shit out of me. My hopes of getting better are out of reach as the distance between me and wellness are growing and that between me and death is ever decreasing until one day soon it will devour me in one huge gulp.
So the question is, how I can I use the remaining 10% of my ‘will to live’ to my advantage? The advantage being, in this case, to remain alive.
My running shoes have holes in - how do I mend them?
I’m tired - how do I replenish my energy?
I’m thirsty - how do I re-hydrate?
I’m lonely - how do I invite company?
The globe is outrunning me - how do I trip up the keeper of the fishing rod?
Is it too late to fulfil these needs? What happens if these needs aren’t met? Do I give in and leave behind the things in my life which I didn’t realise I could retrieve?
What do I say to the maker of me when I’m dead?
“I’ve salvaged the wrapper of my life from the garbage and am returning it to you, the manufacturer…..I am not satisfied. Can I have my money back please?"Will He be angry? I hope not.
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