Shhhh....

Taking a breath seems pointless for two reasons.

1. It always precedes words and words right now are failing to leave my saddened mouth.


2. Breathing enables one to live and life right now appears imbalanced, and not in my favour.

I have accompanying me a brand new fear. A fear of saying things which have the potential to be misinterpreted and used against me. If I choose to stop talking, surely no more harm can vomit onto my path. However, the choice has been taken from me and I really cannot talk. The fear has grown so much in me in the space of 7 hours that talking would require a huge amount of strength, and strength is something I cannot afford to waste. Its as though my illustrator switched the volume on mute and no matter what I need to say, it cannot possibly escape. So the secret is safe with me for now.

You may have guessed that my meeting this afternoon didn't proceed very well and wasn't helpful at all. The amusing words which I waited in anticipation for did not surface, on the contrary I was left feeling confused, paranoid, mute and praying for the ground to swallow me up and never ever regurgitate me. Something I make my mission to avoid, I was actually praying would happen.

Should I ignore my concerns and search for the support they so often offer me? Thus risking my freedom? Or should I listen to what my head is telling me and cut off any advantage the world can have over me? I ask myself which is worse, hurt or loneliness? Is there a paradise where the two cease to exist? Will the choice I am left with lead me to death more quickly than I ever expected?

This is a point in my life when I need some help from a force much more powerful than is human. The way I see it, one of three things need to change:

1. I need a head transplant - it sounds good in theory but sadly not possible until the year 3003 and by then I'll be fertilizer.


2. The world needs to change - its a huge task and one which I doubt would ever happen least of all for my own selfish gain.


3. I need to train myself to see the world differently - this may be possible, but in order for this to happen, I need to feel I can trust people and right now I don't.

It seems point 3 would be the most economical and seeing as I'm low on cash I guess I'll give it a go....so long as I can yank myself out of this bottomless pit.

nobody knows my secret....shhhhhhh.